So, my son's in our Teen Youth Program here on base, and I was invited to a Declaration Ceremony in honour of the base adoptin' February as Teen Dating Violence Awareness month for our li'l community. I was there as his support, as well as involved with the decoratin' and food prep. So, it's a big shindig where the Commander and Captain read a huge written document, sign it, and there's a celebration to commemorate.
Among this were games happenin' in different stations all 'round. These games were designed to bring that awareness to our teens and parents 'bout such violence. I realized at the 1st station that I wasn't gonna get through them as easily as I thought. Durin' this game there are hula hoops on the floor for us participants to step in. Once we do this, there are a few others who attempt to invade our space.
It's up to us to deal with them bein' in our bubble. If you're not comfortable confrontin' them, you may pick up your hoop and move away. Well, I froze and my bubble got full. I scrunched up with my hands up near my face. I'm still stumped 'bout this, and I can see many reasons why internally I felt the ways that I did or responded whichever way as they came at me, but mentally I was racin' and physically I was in a panic and could say nothin' to ward them off..literally, my mouth didn't even open.
I must admit that in my self conscious way I felt intimidated. But, what hit me is that I didn't have a voice. Over time, I've totally shrunken into myself. I've hidden away...or been hidden away. I still can't believe I didn't know what to do. Then, I noticed that it was with the women in which I teetered 'round by, slightly gigglin'..almost like it's own rhythmic game. The 1st person to come into my bubble was usin' me as an example as he tried to explain how the game would go. I wasn't expectin' it and since his back was to me, I stood up over him as big as I could 'bout to square up..but, he turned 'round and I stepped down off of my tippy toes. He asked me if I was aight. I think everyone could see in my eyes that it bothered me and brought me to a place that had me agape. The bigger or louder the guy, the more I caved. It also depended on who they were, as in the way they carried themselves or were in position. Like, the guys in uniform or at a certain height or build, or the guys' demeanor or look. I still dunno why or how it's effected me the way that it has. I can understand that the things I've gone through in my life have put me in a place of reticence, but it upsets me that in my upsets I've been one to back down in the hopes of bein' the peace maker.
This doesn't even seem like the side of me that is always feisty, instead. Maybe it's just that I was so overwhelmed with all the other stimuli goin' on 'round me that I just shut down. All that I do know is that I've allowed myself to be put in a place of inferiority that's shown me just how inadequate I am and how intimidated I've become by the life that surrounds me.
And, the other side of this situation is that I was also brought to reminisce of positive feelings durin' the few seconds some were near. It causes me to think I've even misunderstood myself. Why would I be okay with this occasional invasion of space? I've never really been bothered by the others 'round me bein' "too close". I never even knew what "too close" is supposed to be 'til last night. Do y'all know that if you place your elbow against your belly out front or to the side of you and you extend your arm out and open your fingers that that's how far away you should be from someone to keep your personal space bubble 'round you? I felt so stupid, really. I'm a snuggly person and very dependent on those I lean to.
This was news to me. But, just what I said opened my eyes, too. I've always been drawn to those figures that I learned last night weren't and aren't healthy to be in any type of relationship with. I've ended up clingin' to them. I feel very vulnerable now.
Even in my present life, forget 'bout the past, I've succumbed to everything...all of it. I could offer explanations, but even I, now, can see them as excuses. Throughout my life and up 'til this point, I've ultimately been a "victim" and it's kept me stalled in this state of complacency.
I've thought to stand my ground, and yet I "LOVE" everyone in any way they need, which allows them to feel they'll never get a "NO!" outta me 'cause despite everything, I just LOVE. It's ME. I'm the "sweet and meek" as an ol' friend once put it to me. Sure, when I was younger I'd show anyone that thought so I was a li'l Taz tornado, but as I've grown into this ME today, I've lost touch with MY self. I've not had a millisecond as just me for the last nineteen and a half years. I've been through abuses and losses and sufferin'..have fought to live, though at times, beggin' to die. I've not understood the source of this misery that keeps me in this place.
I've had a strength that others may not know, but it's long come due that I must make the way to take some amount of time to become an even stronger woman that can stand up for myself no matter the invader of my space.
I've to learn this lesson. I cain't believe I've not done so before now. But, the whole of our lives we're learnin', right?
Copyright February 16th, 2019 owned by C.L. Chapps