My Language to Yours

Monday, February 25, 2019

Unbelievable Grace

I'm amazed by God's grace for me.

He's picked me up everytime this chaotic life's knocked me down.
And, He's surprised me with a strength within myself to carry on when I feel like givin' in.

He's been the lifter of my head when I've been low, in my shame. He's covered me in shelter when I've sought rest from the torment of this world against me.

It's just amazin' how I've been known to Him and He's allowed me to know Him.

It's unbelievable to realize what He's gone through for me to be here.

I'm so thankful He's bore my brokenness, so that I may find restoration through His healin' power.

While I don't understand how He's chosen me, He just did. As great as He is, it's just that simple. There's no explainin' or rationalizin' God's ways, they just are.

Only He knows the plan He's designed for our lives. I'm learnin' not to question this, especially when I'm between a rock and a hard place. It's not easy, but I feel Him ever so gently remove me from those predicaments, teachin' me a lesson each and every time.
He's a glorious God, a graceful God. He's given us His all. It's in Him we belong.

He grants us gain over our losses, by His cross removin' our burdens.

In Him, our lives are priceless. All we need to mutter is His Holy name.

We must keep praise within our hearts for all that He has done, is doin' and will do.

For me to be chosen, I'm so humble. He owes us nothin', but He took everythin'..and, still lives. What a miraculous God.
I'm so thankful.


Please rest in knowin' you're worthy of His greatest love.

Copyright February 25th, 2019 owned by C.L. Chapps

Saturday, February 23, 2019

To Be Known

Well, once again, this is a post I began a few weeks ago. I wasn't sure how to go 'bout it all once I got this much down. I'm not a judgmental person, so it's difficult for me to think I may end up givin' unsolicited advice. I do think that these definitions below shouldn't matter to any of us tryin' to get by "noticed".

KNOWN

There are many definitions:
recognized, familiar and having a value that can be stated

To be recognized is to be identified from knowledge of one's appearance or character.
To be familiar is to be well known by association.




Copyright February 23rd, 2019 owned by C.L. Chapps

I Don't Know...

I started this post almost 2 weeks ago. I didn't even know how to type whatever then, and I still don't. I just know that I don't know. There's too much wrapped 'round why.
But, I'm reminded God's made a promise to bring me out of this funk, for He is not the author of confusion.. I rest in Him right now. Maybe you're feelin' this uncertain kinda way. I wish I had more to offer right now and I'm tryin' to get to that place.


I do know that He'll rid us out of the darkness that has us numb. Click here for this song I've shared.

Copyright February 23rd, 2019 owned by C.L. Chapps


Just a Note and a Song

Hey, y'all!
So, I'm just loungin' here with my feet up snuggled under a blankie on this cold mornin'. I'm not feelin' well, a li'l worse than usual..quite sore. I've got my Bluetooth speaker on while I listen to praise and worship music. I dunno what to do today, or how much I can do. I've got all my kiddos into somethin' and it's just a moment for some quiet space, I guess. I dunno what to do with it, when I do get it.
Anyways, I just thought I'd share a song with y'all that I feel the Holy Spirit is leadin' me to do so. I hope in some way in each of you, this speaks. My prayers for blessings over each and everyone of ya. PEACE


P.S. - Hello to Greece and Poland!

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Kujenga Down

Hey, y'all! 

So, I'm gonna start where I left off yesterday, this time with a different game. It's a version of jenga made up of 2x4s with positive expressions written on them, and a separate pile of darker stained 2x4s with negative expressions. They're all cut 'bout a foot in length. The goal is for each person in our group to slip a "brick" out from under the top, read the expression with a cheery tone in our voice, and set it aside. After we do so, we're to grab a stained brick from the pile and read it to ourselves before intonatin' the negative response we'll react to. After doin' so, we place that brick on top. 


You can see where this is goin', right? I saw it as, the reinforcements we receive allow us to give of ourselves in light..but, we'll inevitably get bombarded with a negative to contradict that and the darkness will have us crumblin', topplin' over, breakin'. I call this Kujenga Down, as Kujenga is the Swahili word we refer to as jenga, which means "to build"..but, this one's full of downs that bring it down.



While we went through this game, I recalled my feelings of elation when I received complimentary encouragement and how I felt when I was barraged with the voices stabbin' into my heart. I'd realized, once again, how this has been the whole of my life as I grew up tryin' to find some kinda way for myself. All this poisonous rain I've soaked up has had me numb, drownin' in the sorrows that've wrecked my spirit. I've been unable to keep myself together, I've not stood tall while I carried all this weight on my shoulders, but have fainted. I've been crawlin' 'til I start to slip into the puddles of mire that keep me in the sludge.



Now that I've realized how these experiences have had effect on me, I can be more aware as I venture further into my journey. I can look up to The One who will hold me and lift my head, Who can give me the strength to stand up against that which continues to try and destroy my soul.


And, while I can't go back and change the past that's put me where I am now, I can realize who I can be and how I can handle how my life goes from this point on.


It's amazin' how somethin' can open your eyes, yeah?



I'm thankful I've been relieved of those places and can continue to work for the betterment of me. With God, I don't have to break down, and I know He'll lift me up. I'm reminded that He says when we're in the water afraid of sinkin' He's there and will not let it overtake us. He's been good to bring me through these fights. He's still been here when I've wondered why things have happened and where He's been. He tells me that I can get through this and not let the reckless life I've lead take control of my heart, my mind. For, He's greater than all these things I've been allowed to overcome by His grace.



Those people that hurt me, I'll leave them all to Him who will avenge me. He'll pull me outta the dark places my mind can wander under the stressors and pressure of those who do me wrong. I can move on from bein' haunted by these scars I see that say I'm weak, for they're my battle wounds and I've beaten the odds. I can take a deep breath and know in His silence there's peace. I can do this.



This is such a relevant song.

Copyright February 17th, 2019 owned by C.L. Chapps

It's Okay

Y'all, I have to share this with ya. 
So, yesterday I received a package from my mother. It's a book by Sheila Walsh called It's Okay Not to Be Okay. I made the time late last night to read the accolades, the intro and the 1st chapter. I didn't wanna put it down, but awoke this mornin' to read the 2nd. I can't tell you how uncanny her life is so much like mine, or brings memories or revelations to life within me. I've gotta bring this book up to y'all. If ya can somehow get your hands on it, please do so. I'm includin' an image so y'all know what to look for.
Also, here's the perfect song to go right along with the message contained within those words, "It's Okay Not to Be Okay".
Enjoy the peace of knowin' this within yourself, your life.

Copyright February 17th, 2019 owned by C.L. Chapps

Saturday, February 16, 2019

Personal Boundaries and Space?!

Last night I began to see myself from the outside and yet, the inside, or vice versa. I think, for the 1st time, I was able to go through the motions of feelin' and thinkin' of my self. It's still odd to me, and it's pingin' me to focus on resolvin' within me...I dunno yet, really. There's so much involved, though it seems to simple and it must come easy to others, but not me.


So, my son's in our Teen Youth Program here on base, and I was invited to a Declaration Ceremony in honour of the base adoptin' February as Teen Dating Violence Awareness month for our li'l community. I was there as his support, as well as involved with the decoratin' and food prep. So, it's a big shindig where the Commander and Captain read a huge written document, sign it, and there's a celebration to commemorate.



Among this were games happenin' in different stations all 'round. These games were designed to bring that awareness to our teens and parents 'bout such violence. I realized at the 1st station that I wasn't gonna get through them as easily as I thought. Durin' this game there are hula hoops on the floor for us participants to step in. Once we do this, there are a few others who attempt to invade our space.

It's up to us to deal with them bein' in our bubble. If you're not comfortable confrontin' them, you may pick up your hoop and move away. Well, I froze and my bubble got full. I scrunched up with my hands up near my face. I'm still stumped 'bout this, and I can see many reasons why internally I felt the ways that I did or responded whichever way as they came at me, but mentally I was racin' and physically I was in a panic and could say nothin' to ward them off..literally, my mouth didn't even open.

I must admit that in my self conscious way I felt intimidated. But, what hit me is that I didn't have a voice. Over time, I've totally shrunken into myself. I've hidden away...or been hidden away. I still can't believe I didn't know what to do. Then, I noticed that it was with the women in which I teetered 'round by, slightly gigglin'..almost like it's own rhythmic game. The 1st person to come into my bubble was usin' me as an example as he tried to explain how the game would go. I wasn't expectin' it and since his back was to me, I stood up over him as big as I could 'bout to square up..but, he turned 'round and I stepped down off of my tippy toes. He asked me if I was aight. I think everyone could see in my eyes that it bothered me and brought me to a place that had me agape. The bigger or louder the guy, the more I caved. It also depended on who they were, as in the way they carried themselves or were in position. Like, the guys in uniform or at a certain height or build, or the guys' demeanor or look. I still dunno why or how it's effected me the way that it has. I can understand that the things I've gone through in my life have put me in a place of  reticence, but it upsets me that in my upsets I've been one to back down in the hopes of bein' the peace maker.

This doesn't even seem like the side of me that is always feisty, instead. Maybe it's just that I was so overwhelmed with all the other stimuli goin' on 'round me that I just shut down. All that I do know is that I've allowed myself to be put in a place of inferiority that's shown me just how inadequate I am and how intimidated I've become by the life that surrounds me.

And, the other side of this situation is that I was also brought to reminisce of positive feelings durin' the few seconds some were near. It causes me to think I've even misunderstood myself. Why would I be okay with this occasional invasion of space? I've never really been bothered by the others 'round me bein' "too close". I never even knew what "too close" is supposed to be 'til last night. Do y'all know that if you place your elbow against your belly out front or to the side of you and you extend your arm out and open your fingers that that's how far away you should be from someone to keep your personal space bubble 'round you? I felt so stupid, really. I'm a snuggly person and very dependent on those I lean to.

This was news to me. But, just what I said opened my eyes, too. I've always been drawn to those figures that I learned last night weren't and aren't healthy to be in any type of relationship with. I've ended up clingin' to them. I feel very vulnerable now.

Even in my present life, forget 'bout the past, I've succumbed to everything...all of it. I could offer explanations, but even I, now, can see them as excuses. Throughout my life and up 'til this point, I've ultimately been a "victim" and it's kept me stalled in this state of complacency.


I've thought to stand my ground, and yet I "LOVE" everyone in any way they need, which allows them to feel they'll never get a "NO!" outta me 'cause despite everything, I just LOVE. It's ME. I'm the "sweet and meek" as an ol' friend once put it to me. Sure, when I was younger I'd show anyone that thought so I was a li'l Taz tornado, but as I've grown into this ME today, I've lost touch with MY self. I've not had a millisecond as just me for the last nineteen and a half years. I've been through abuses and losses and sufferin'..have fought to live, though at times, beggin' to die. I've not understood the source of this misery that keeps me in this place.

I've had a strength that others may not know, but it's long come due that I must make the way to take some amount of time to become an even stronger woman that can stand up for myself no matter the invader of my space.
I've to learn this lesson. I cain't believe I've not done so before now. But, the whole of our lives we're learnin', right?



Copyright February 16th, 2019 owned by C.L. Chapps



I Don't Say (Good)BYE!

For some time now I've not known how to express things I've gone through, or thought or felt in this blog I've started to do just that.

I've been stuck in memories that're hauntin' me...one particularly, the worst act upon my life previously..but, also my present life.

I'm always bein' left, in one way or another, feelin' abandoned.

This has caused me to shy away from the awkward moments when somethin' has to come to an end with someone, or even my animals' passin'. I truly have resigned myself to NEVER utterin' those words, and even have to remind others that I don't say them, I won't.



I'll catch myself at times when someone I love says it to me so casually, but it'll never come outta my mouth and if, on the very rare occasion, I hesitantly mutter it, I regret that those may be my last words to another. I'll admit, though, that I have written it out while in the midst of a tumultuous pain I'd rather be rid of in my life, when I've hoped to just cut the negative off.
But, those words are painful to me, I don't take them lightly. 

I'm tryin' not to delve into the main reason why even now, but it's hard not to let loose my emotions surroundin' somethin' that seems so simple to everyone else.
My heart stops when I hear those words, though. 

I've held myself back from havin' to say such even, never mindin' those I could allow into my life, for I've seen waaay too many come and go, especially throughout my time as an AF brat and NAVY wife. I've lost too many dear friends and loved ones, as well.


I won't say such a thing flippantly. There's too much wrapped inside that 3-7 letter word, I don't even know why a BYE should be considered Good, either. The ones I've heard have always caused me sadness and heartbreak. It's a word that fills me with upset.


But, there's another way I've chosen to look at the simple ends in conversation, an upcomin' absence of friends, or the blatant mystery of abrupt abandonment and it was affirmed in a statement someone wrote to me as I was left bloomin' into young womanhood on my own.

"This is just a bypass, until we meet again."


This song is exactly what I mean.

Copyright February 16th, 2019 by C.L. Chapps