Standin' in the doorway, my head down trodden as my teenage son, as carin' as he is, awkwardly consoles me.
See, I was in the middle of gettin' ready to go get him at school from a club he'd stayed after for. He'd mentioned this a couple weeks ago, last week they didn't have it, and I forgot today'd be the day he could try. I was so wrapped up in tryin' not to feel the ills and tryrin' to recuperate from a medical visit yesterday, 'til his younger brother came in lettin' me know that he'd stayed behind and I'd need to go get him at such and such time. This, I learned after the fact, was the wrong time told to him by the friend on the bus who's asked by my eldest to pass along the info to my youngest. Apparently, the number I didn't recognize callin' me 'bout 20 minutes before was a friend of his tryin' to lemme know that he'd be goin' home with them, 'cause they'd been released early from the club. Now, I'm a very cautious person, so it'd have been iffy, had I known this, to have ever let such happen, as I'd not met them yet. Well, I'd no knowledge of this, but once I found out, the first thing that came to me was how sucky I must seem to the other boy's mother. The next thing I felt horrible 'bout was not knowin' the right time to be there for him so that hadn't have happened. My son's not understandin' that this caught me so off guard and I was like a bumblin' idiot stupefied by an abrupt change in facts. I felt ridiculous for not knowin' what I felt expected to have a clue 'bout. After I then went into why I'd like to know his friend's parents, I felt even more stupid that I'd missed the whole thing completely.
For one, I've a young teenager who cares 'bout his mother enough to make sure she knows where he is. He tried, so I couldn't say, why didn't ya lemme know. I was so concerned 'bout what I must look like to the mother of his friend, or anyone else who saw him sittin' alone or gettin' into someone else's car. I felt that I'd be looked at as "that mom". I didn't like the thought of that. I've been so on my Ps and Qs and have tried to dot every I and cross every T in my journey of motherhood that this honest accident had made another blemish on tarnishin' my Mommy experience. To many of you this may seem like no big deal, but to the Momma that's always been THE "best on the block", it's hard to take with a grain of salt. Yes, it's an honest error but I slumped, feelin' horrible that I was no longer the Mom I thought I was, unwillingly.
The thing is, this was just one of the many things lately that, I recognize now, have me feelin' lower than inadequate...which, I guess is still justifiable since all I go through...but, in my humility, there can be no excuse. There's a loneliness that envelopes, or maybe is enveloped by inadequacy. I think that's what does one in when it's one thing after another that brings on the negative thinkin'.
I don't always see things in this light...but, I think when I'm givin' my all to be on the bright side, though, that it's easy to crumble while it seems not to matter in any way to anyone else anywhere.
Yep, it's been a bit since my last, more frequent, posts. I've not been well, that's been implied earlier. I continue to receive news of how my body fights me. There are times when the thoughts come that an end seems better than the struggle, but I've to see that's a lie, that it's only easier and I must fight back. While I'm fightin', or losin' the strength in doin' so, that "Why me?" ScReAmS at me.
I wonder if it's just my people pleasin' nature causin' me to feel failure at the slightest mistake in action, speech, or just plain livin' that brings this on. When I've the knack down for makin' messes, I ought to know that just another something's gonna try and knock me down from my horse for good. It sure does seem that I'm always tryin' to kick a dead horse, or at the least never able to get it to drink. That goes for me, too.
Somehow, though, even when I feel undeservin' of a glimpse of greatness, no matter how big or small, God then reminds me there's a reason for everything and sometimes it's to draw us closer, to make us more mindful that everything works for the good of us who love.
It's when my son says that I'm NOT "that mom', I'm HIS Momma and there's NOTHING wrong with ME. I'm thankful that he cared enough to call and that he made it home safely to me. I'm thankful that I've a child who loves me no matter how sucky I think I can be. I'm thankful that my son has a friend and that that friend has a mother just as carin' as me.I'm thankful for my son to have an outlet to express his interests and have some fun down time.
And, I'm grateful that he heads to the kitchen with me to help me make the dinner he wanted to make himself, and understood that I can't give up the me that feels I have to do the only thing that I can do, which is take care of him and his siblings. I stood there in tears breakin' all the more. I felt pitiful and weak, that I'm too frail after an unexpected emergency procedure yesterday, to stay up on my feet doin' the only thing I've known the whole of my life, which is carin' for those I love.
It's then that God turned those sad tears into an oddly happy thankfulness. He's provided for me more than I know. He's touched me by workin' through the spirit in my son. I must remember that in my mess of a life I'm unable to understand any way to work out makin' heads or tails of the puzzle in life's mysteries.
He's confirmin' that I'm under His wing, so I can be assured to soar. I can rest in the hopes of bein' free from condemnation, for He loves me no matter how I'm afraid to be. There's a joy in this enlightenment.
I am perfect in His sight.
This brings to mind this song. As my Momma shared with me when she heard it, it fits me just right. Hopefully, y'all can relate in some way, too.
P.S. - thank you to my friends in Hungary, Ireland and Latvia for vitisin' my prose. Blessings!
Copyright December 4th, 2018 owned by C.L. Chapps