My Language to Yours

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Follow-up as the "Not THERE Mom"

I must continue my previous post after more revelation had come to mind. 

It's so much more than that I was carin' what others opinions of me have been or are. It's that I know what all I've given of myself to my son and his siblings to still feel like I just can't give anymore. I know my limitations and how I push myself in spite of them. I've been the homemaker, housewife and homeschooler the whole of my children's lives. I've never allowed "just anyone" to care for my kids in any way, unless it's my mother or a few times with a neighbor durin' an urgent moment, most likely medical. It's hard for me to allow them their own freedom, as they're so precious I can fret over the most innocent request. The oddness of this compared to the last post is that, out of my many teachings, I've taught them not to fuss over frivolity.

Well, I've been thinkin' that it's my own insecurities, from that which I go through myself, that's had me feelin', really, that in some ways makes me unable to sincerely "be there" for my children...which is stupid and ridiculous, as I'm always told. It's just that I feel, though I may always be here for them, I wish I could always be so in more ways, like in most "normal" parents' lives...but, I'm not livin' a life that's usual, and I've gotta understand that when my angelic son tells me I'm enough for them, he's not just kissin' up. Their stories of how they see their friends or classmates lives so different from theirs, and most in a negative way, often remind them to express their gratitude and thankfulness of havin' me as a mother and bein' part of this seemingly dysfunctional family(due to it's uneasy military lifestyle)...but, we're beyond dysfunctional.

At times, when it's so overwhelmin' that it seems I can't listen to or give each one of them the attention they're vyin' for at the same time, I feel that the smallest thing when one or all of them says in their sarcastic way that they feel unnoticed, I'm not able to be there for them how they need me to.  That usually comes out of my eldest son, the middle "forgotten" child. There's not much more of myself I can expel, so those moments cause an emotional strain.

That's all I strive always be there for them, in every need, even the slightest. Yes, things get busy, life seems to scream at me too many demands so difficult to handle...but, I wanna hear it all, see it all, feel it all and immerse myself into every aspect of them, lest I miss somethin' of the greatest importance to them. Also, I dunno that with all I undergo, when my place in their lives won't be removed.

My motherly love, is what I always want them to know. I want there to be no question that I've been there for them...through their good and their bad, through my good and my bad...through the ups and downs of our life's longevity. I long to lead them in the best ways to the best of my abilities, to be the best example for them.

I will NOT be the "Not THERE Mom".

Now, it's time to brush up on communication skills with my teenage son, so there're no more missed pickups. ;-) We'll see how today goes. Oh, how he's so much like me!

This is for my son that I SEE more than he can grasp. Though his father hasn't passed, there are what he calls "dead(silent)moments" while his military father's away from our lives. I'm thankful for my son taking charge..he gets that from him, though he's got my heart and those freckles, etc.

P.S.- thank you, my Czechia friend!

Copyright December 11th 2018 owned by C.L. Chapps

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