My Language to Yours

Thursday, December 27, 2018

A Kid's Good Intentions Gone Awry

Hey, y'all! I'm back!

Unfortunately, my notebook was on the fritz, though I attempted numerous times to get a writin' while becomin' nerve-wracked. HOWEVER, Santa (my daughter) was generous this Christmas, and I'm oh so happy to try jumpin' on the band-wagon, again. Insert humble bow and gracious smile here.
I'm sorry that I've missed the opportunity to chat 'bout those things that'd come to me durin' my time unable to blog, and the holiday season has come to a close. I think I'll get back on the horse by lettin' y'all know a li'l bit 'bout myself as an ever growin', wild minded child in the palmetto state.

I'm sure there are few and far between like minded children as I was when it came to animals. Except for the sly serpent that I've always loathed as the spawn of Satan, there weren't many I'd not like to cuddle. I went way beyond that point even.

I'd search high and low for anything I thought I could get away with regardin' my parents most certain "NO"s, from itty bitty ants to rascally rabbits and the puppies and kitties of other kids I'd wished to have. Not only would I try to pocket them and slide my way through the house, I'd create us our own li'l world as I'd try to build our lives 'round each other.

Perhaps I was a lonely kid, or I just couldn't grasp what was so different 'bout our worlds or why it had to be. I look back and question why I felt that "I" had to become their Maker, since I knew full well the Creation story. I loved the story of Noah's ark, though, so perhaps I thought I'd do just the same. And, the idea came to me...

...I'd build them houses, too. I'd fashioned some good designs, too..out of any and everything from the natural and not so natural, but things that in the end would be thrown away. It was always a sad time, sayin' goodbye. I realize now that while I thought I was helpin', they'd inevitably more than likely meet their demise 'cause of my actions and need to play God. But, all the while, each time, I'd go 'bout singin' my li'l songs hopin' they'd be my friends as long as they'd lemme play follow the leader.

I remember the baby frogs that I'd found in the dip of my banana seat on my upside down bike under the carport. I'd go trampin' through the ditches to "rescue" tadpoles and scale its sides to yank the tail of a lizard right up. Y'all ever know anyone to clamp a chameleon's mouth on their ears? That's the type of crazy I was. Oh, and for some reason, I thought I was cool to pick a fresh cicada shell off the bark of our pine trees. I dunno why I thought it'd ever come back, but...LOL...I'd make grass huts for ants, stick houses for bugs. I'd even cought a country mouse or 2 and set out to keep 'em in a HOUSE I'd make outta shoe boxes. Oh yeah. I got very creative, addin' windows and doors and fences and colorful stuff with crayons and markers. I'd play with them as if it were a princess' tea party.The fun never lasted. I couldn't keep them forever, and only as I've grown did I understand the depth and scope of why. Even if I could've kept them alive with more than water and grass and dirt, the houses I'd built them weren't substantial enough, but rickety and without good foundation even though I'd also used stones.

I wasn't worthy of my praises bein' sung from their eyes, though. I didn't bring them life. They weren't livin' for me. While my eyes beheld their wonder, they couldn't understand my heart. In their world, the laws of nature prevailed, not I as their Queen. I was expectin' to bring them what I thought to be their best life, not realizin' that ain't how it's supposed to work.

Just like the time my best friend, R.A., and I tried to do a good deed upon an animal I felt was so very much in need of my savin'. Only, our helpin' just got it in more trouble. See, I was tried of seein' this li'l doggy get abused and be neglected by our neighbor. Upon seein' him chained and dirty one summer eve, we snuck over to unhook him from his lead and brought him under our back faucet to bathe him. I knew that we had to put him back, which I did, but I heard the sound of his li'l howlish shriek not long after, and my own bum was gettin' fussed at. As much as I'd wished, we couldn't be in control. I've learned that, the hard way, more than once. I guess, for some reason, I thought that by us singin' hymns of worship, it'd all be fine and we'd be well.

I know my parents understood my heart. O, my Daddy tried to teach me the meanings of life in times of my distress at, say, the rabbits the cats would drop off on the back porch or the dyin' bloody mouse they'd plop in the front door. I always wanted to keep the rabbits, but thy were "wild" he'd told me. Even the stray cat shouldn't have to be ours, but she was pregnant with her li'l kitty babies and I felt like she was Mary come to stay at the inn, LOL. I'd also learned from that endin' that we must all share in the joy of love that they can bring us, as they'd have to be given to others and not just kept to ourselves. But, I slowly learned on those walks into the woods and those days I'd wake to find my "pets" GONE(in both ways), that their lives were God's. Was I tryin' to do right by Him? Sure. But, I couldn't play Master of their Kingdom.

It reminds me that we cannot dictate, intrusively, the lives of others and must understand that we're also under this rule of thumb. There's only one Creator who's made us, built us our place on this earth. Only He's worthy of our song of praise, for He's given us the breath of life. He fills our eyes with wonder at His sight.

Many of us can't fathom that, but I know in some stage of our lives that He'll meet us where we're at and fill our hearts. He's the only Master of our kingdom, to lead us in love upon the rock where there's a firm foundation that won't be shaken. There's gotta be a trust between us for that to occur, but openin' that door to let Him build within us and for us and 'round us the life He's had planned all along is the goal. We've to hope He breaks our chains and cleanses us.

Copyright December 27th 2018 owned by C.L. Chapps

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Follow-up as the "Not THERE Mom"

I must continue my previous post after more revelation had come to mind. 

It's so much more than that I was carin' what others opinions of me have been or are. It's that I know what all I've given of myself to my son and his siblings to still feel like I just can't give anymore. I know my limitations and how I push myself in spite of them. I've been the homemaker, housewife and homeschooler the whole of my children's lives. I've never allowed "just anyone" to care for my kids in any way, unless it's my mother or a few times with a neighbor durin' an urgent moment, most likely medical. It's hard for me to allow them their own freedom, as they're so precious I can fret over the most innocent request. The oddness of this compared to the last post is that, out of my many teachings, I've taught them not to fuss over frivolity.

Well, I've been thinkin' that it's my own insecurities, from that which I go through myself, that's had me feelin', really, that in some ways makes me unable to sincerely "be there" for my children...which is stupid and ridiculous, as I'm always told. It's just that I feel, though I may always be here for them, I wish I could always be so in more ways, like in most "normal" parents' lives...but, I'm not livin' a life that's usual, and I've gotta understand that when my angelic son tells me I'm enough for them, he's not just kissin' up. Their stories of how they see their friends or classmates lives so different from theirs, and most in a negative way, often remind them to express their gratitude and thankfulness of havin' me as a mother and bein' part of this seemingly dysfunctional family(due to it's uneasy military lifestyle)...but, we're beyond dysfunctional.

At times, when it's so overwhelmin' that it seems I can't listen to or give each one of them the attention they're vyin' for at the same time, I feel that the smallest thing when one or all of them says in their sarcastic way that they feel unnoticed, I'm not able to be there for them how they need me to.  That usually comes out of my eldest son, the middle "forgotten" child. There's not much more of myself I can expel, so those moments cause an emotional strain.

That's all I strive always be there for them, in every need, even the slightest. Yes, things get busy, life seems to scream at me too many demands so difficult to handle...but, I wanna hear it all, see it all, feel it all and immerse myself into every aspect of them, lest I miss somethin' of the greatest importance to them. Also, I dunno that with all I undergo, when my place in their lives won't be removed.

My motherly love, is what I always want them to know. I want there to be no question that I've been there for them...through their good and their bad, through my good and my bad...through the ups and downs of our life's longevity. I long to lead them in the best ways to the best of my abilities, to be the best example for them.

I will NOT be the "Not THERE Mom".

Now, it's time to brush up on communication skills with my teenage son, so there're no more missed pickups. ;-) We'll see how today goes. Oh, how he's so much like me!

This is for my son that I SEE more than he can grasp. Though his father hasn't passed, there are what he calls "dead(silent)moments" while his military father's away from our lives. I'm thankful for my son taking charge..he gets that from him, though he's got my heart and those freckles, etc.

P.S.- thank you, my Czechia friend!

Copyright December 11th 2018 owned by C.L. Chapps

Tuesday, December 4, 2018

Not "THAT mom"

Standin' in the doorway, my head down trodden as my teenage son, as carin' as he is, awkwardly consoles me.
See, I was in the middle of gettin' ready to go get him at school from a club he'd stayed after for. He'd mentioned this a couple weeks ago, last week they didn't have it, and I forgot today'd be the day he could try. I was so wrapped up in tryin' not to feel the ills and tryrin' to recuperate from a medical visit yesterday, 'til his younger brother came in lettin' me know that he'd stayed behind and I'd need to go get him at such and such time. This, I learned after the fact, was the wrong time told to him by the friend on the bus who's asked by my eldest to pass along the info to my youngest. Apparently, the number I didn't recognize callin' me 'bout 20 minutes before was a friend of his tryin' to lemme know that he'd be goin' home with them, 'cause they'd been released early from the club. Now, I'm a very cautious person, so it'd have been iffy, had I known this, to have ever let such happen, as I'd not met them yet. Well, I'd no knowledge of this, but once I found out, the first thing that came to me was how sucky I must seem to the other boy's mother. The next thing I felt horrible 'bout was not knowin' the right time to be there for him so that hadn't have happened. My son's not understandin' that this caught me so off guard and I was like a bumblin' idiot stupefied by an abrupt change in facts. I felt ridiculous for not knowin' what I felt expected to have a clue 'bout. After I then went into why I'd like to know his friend's parents, I felt even more stupid that I'd missed the whole thing completely.
For one, I've a young teenager who cares 'bout his mother enough to make sure she knows where he is. He tried, so I couldn't say, why didn't ya lemme know. I was so concerned 'bout what I must look like to the mother of his friend, or anyone else who saw him sittin' alone or gettin' into someone else's car. I felt that I'd be looked at as "that mom". I didn't like the thought of that. I've been so on my Ps and Qs and have tried to dot every I and cross every T in my journey of motherhood that this honest accident had made another blemish on tarnishin' my Mommy experience. To many of you this may seem like no big deal, but to the Momma that's always been THE "best on the block", it's hard to take with a grain of salt. Yes, it's an honest error but I slumped, feelin' horrible that I was no longer the Mom I thought I was, unwillingly.

The thing is, this was just one of the many things lately that, I recognize now, have me feelin' lower than inadequate...which, I guess is still justifiable since all I go through...but, in my humility, there can be no excuse. There's a loneliness that envelopes, or maybe is enveloped by inadequacy. I think that's what does one in when it's one thing after another that brings on the negative thinkin'.

I don't always see things in this light...but, I think when I'm givin' my all to be on the bright side, though, that it's easy to crumble while it seems not to matter in any way to anyone else anywhere.

Yep, it's been a bit since my last, more frequent, posts. I've not been well, that's been implied earlier. I continue to receive news of how my body fights me. There are times when the thoughts come that an end seems better than the struggle, but I've to see that's a lie, that it's only easier and I must fight back. While I'm fightin', or losin' the strength in doin' so, that "Why me?" ScReAmS at me.
I wonder if it's just my people pleasin' nature causin' me to feel failure at the slightest mistake in action, speech, or just plain livin' that brings this on. When I've the knack down for makin' messes, I ought to know that just another something's gonna try and knock me down from my horse for good. It sure does seem that I'm always tryin' to kick a dead horse, or at the least never able to get it to drink. That goes for me, too.

Somehow, though, even when I feel undeservin' of a glimpse of greatness, no matter how big or small, God then reminds me there's a reason for everything and sometimes it's to draw us closer, to make us more mindful that everything works for the good of us who love.

It's when my son says that I'm NOT "that mom', I'm HIS Momma and there's NOTHING wrong with ME. I'm thankful that he cared enough to call and that he made it home safely to me. I'm thankful that I've a child who loves me no matter how sucky I think I can be. I'm thankful that my son has a friend and that that friend has a mother just as carin' as me.I'm thankful for my son to have an outlet to express his interests and have some fun down time.
And, I'm grateful that he heads to the kitchen with me to help me make the dinner he wanted to make himself, and understood that I can't give up the me that feels I have to do the only thing that I can do, which is take care of him and his siblings. I stood there in tears breakin' all the more. I felt pitiful and weak, that I'm too frail after an unexpected emergency procedure yesterday, to stay up on my feet doin' the only thing I've known the whole of my life, which is carin' for those I love.

It's then that God turned those sad tears into an oddly happy thankfulness. He's provided for me more than I know. He's touched me by workin' through the spirit in my son. I must remember that in my mess of a life I'm unable to understand any way to work out makin' heads or tails of the puzzle in life's mysteries.

He's confirmin' that I'm under His wing, so I can be assured to soar. I can rest in the hopes of bein' free from condemnation, for He loves me no matter how I'm afraid to be. There's a joy in this enlightenment.


I am perfect in His sight.

This brings to mind this song. As my Momma shared with me when she heard it, it fits me just right. Hopefully, y'all can relate in some way, too.

P.S. - thank you to my friends in Hungary, Ireland and Latvia for vitisin' my prose. Blessings!

Copyright December 4th, 2018 owned by C.L. Chapps