My Language to Yours

Thursday, November 1, 2018

Still Livin'

Well, y'all, I'm back. But, once again, I dunno where to start. It's not even been a full day and a half and I've ridden so many roller coasters already. I'm exhausted emotionally, pent up physically, and wonder if I'll keep a right-minded mentality. I think I've been through li'l snippets of, perhaps, all the 7 stages they say one goes through under traumatic situations like loss or grief. I haven't lost anyone special in my life recently, but I fear that I'm truly losin' myself. I've had an overwhelmin' sense come over me that I felt as mournin' the me that I've known and now the me that I am which is fadin' away by the minute.

I've lay awake through a painful procedure while the docs whisper 'bout the awful imagery causin' literal death stares. I've sat numb on the exam table not knowin' what my next move should be. I've tried to avoid all that was just revealed spinnin' like a whirlwind throughout my brain. I longed for a place of rest that I knew wouldn't come 'til the still of night, which made my skin crawl with restless nerves wantin' so badly to allow physical impulse to take over releasin' the frustration 'bout the confusion of upsettin' news. I couldn't help the cry for help that came in a lashed out state through the anger bein' withheld. Then, the struggle over the anxiety gripped into a strangling hold while I was gaspin' for breath...followed by what seemed to be a sledgehammer shloppin' me onto my bed in a whailing of tears.

As you can guess, the news was far from what even I thought'd be bad. It's the worse case ever, thus far..which means more diagnostic procedures, more surgeries. Everything I've become scared to endure anymore.

But, I must do so. I must obtain a control over my mind and my emotions to withstand, in a steadfast strength, the path set out for my future. For, I know the things given in each day are lay before me with reason and He not only guides, but watches how I handle them.

I'll admit the outcome of yesterday was horrible. But, today is new. I am tryin' my best to choose the better option for tacklin' the situations that arise, in spite of the negative always tryin' to impede any progression. While I've fears, and even doubt, I've gotta remember that who's in control of this vast wilderness and who knows every hair on my head, can cover and keep me. When I'm scared, He will let no harm come to me. When I am alone, I can run to Him. He'll cradle me like He does this world. In spite of my failures and "loser" moments, He loves me anyways. I have to relinquish, which isn't easy to do, my whole self and every burden I carry and trust Him. It is He who holds tomorrow. I'm not gonna give up believin' that it's not gonna be my endin'.

Some would say there's nothin' good to come from hopin' when there's nothin' looks like can be done and the end is nearin' more quickly than expected. They'll deny a Maker who seems to let his flock stray into danger or only perform miracles some of the time. But, only He knows our outcome, our ins and outs of life, however great or small or short or long our span.

Despite the anxieties and fears that keep tryin' to fill my head, I can't worry. This is, all the more, the time in which my act's gotta get ship shape and I've gotta waste no time. It's always been precious, but we forget how comfortable we've become 'til it's almost too late, don't we? In anything, really, that's the case. It's sad the disputes that need to be forgiven, the things gone unlearned one feels the need to attain before it's time, the body finally bein' cared for, etc.

Really, though, do these things matter in the end? Sure, we need to set things right with those we love and make amends with whomever we've wronged. What we do with ourselves and the frivolous materials gathered that collect dust all these years doesn't matter. When it's our time, it's our time. Some people see that very early on and live how they, I've lived so nothin' bad would come of me and I'd stay on this earth to be matriarch into my 100's, but..nothin' pans out the way we plan. There's always a surprise with life, isn't there?

Think on the things that've come your way you never expected. Think of the people who've popped into your life for a li'l while or seasons or lifelong, how they've impressed ya. Think of the education and career opportunities and the moments of greatness that've come along. You've never been just a barren soul, a dead branch..but, a vine on an everwindin' climb 'til ya reach the top and stand majestic.

Please, don't give in to the darkness tryin' to creep it's way into your life through people or situational circumstance. Realize that durin' your time to live, ya must strive to master with precision, your legacy.

Make it as good as it can be, it's never too late. And, remember you can run to The One who is moldin' you into a masterpiece. When all's said and done, just let go knowin' that He won't.

I'm gonna be still knowin' that He is God and enjoy, as best I can, still livin'.

This song came on as I tuned into some encouragin' music to lift my head. I hope it speaks to you, as well.

P.S. - Thank you for your continual prayers. Also, all of y'all in Israel and the Netherlands, blessings!

Copyright November 1, 2018 owned by C.L. Chapps

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