My Language to Yours

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

When I Was Cut

TRIGGER WARNING: This post revolves around the mental health topic of self-harm/suicide contemplation.

O, how do I begin this?
I've struggled while sufferin' as, what the pysch world labels, bein' "a cutter". Though, throughout my lifetime, I've only had between few and several, perhaps a handful, of horrid moments caught in the throws of such a devastation which caused me to lose myself in a melodramatic mess of madness. I cannot deny the awful events took place.

After years of evaluations, it finally clicked that someone related my issues to a childhood experience which my then li'l mind  couldn't regulate, but that's effected me all this time.

I've a memory as a small child of climbin' up to the sink counter and grabbin' my father's razor, which of course, led to me slicin' myself and the trickles of blood, etc. I do recall that before this incident I'd become very upset and was goin' to tell him somethin' 'bout it. Apparently, in my very young mind, I reckoned that the adrenaline rush, which compensated the pain level threshold, wasn't such a bad thing to feel and that both the physical and mental aspects of this moment blended into my memory a way to relieve what, to me, was a deep anguish or sorrow.

What I couldn't reconcile back then led me into some very traumatic places as I've grown. This very well may come as a surprise to many friends and family that've seen me through my formative years. Always durin' such rock-bottom times, it's been that last resort thought. Not for attention, at all. But, in my way of everything always meanin' somethin', it's been a symbologistical(?!)kinda thing. As another "psych person" put it, as culturally influenced as I inherently am, it's likely my emotions get the best of me, inherently.

Of course, I ain't gonna blame my ancestors for my problems. No, I'm accountable and responsible for the impulsive decisions I've made in actin' or reactin' to stressors. I'm mostly sorry for whatever harm that's been inflicted onto others, as I've never wished to cause anyone the pain such as I was feelin'. BTW, never have I done so in front of anyone, and never have I revealed it purposefully. But, my struggles are real, and wearin' my heart on my sleeve as I do, such knowledge escapin' in the heat of a moment can still do as much damage as I've done myself.

I'll not go into the exact scenarios which caused these rash breakdowns, but they've all had to do with "loss", abandonment. They've all had to do with feelin' "lost" after betrayal. They've all had to do with the notion one gets in their mind of bein' at the end of the rope or spiralin' down into the depths of hell, or feelin' so suffocated there's no room to breathe through it all. I've also been influenced by certain players in my life that I'd come to have such a love for who's presence I wouldn't have known how to go on without. I don't like to say that I am "...", 'cause I was, and I ain't now. I feel like when one keeps speakin' or thinkin' that way, it keeps the mind stuck and never able to move on. To think positively for the future, we've gotta let the ghosts of the past lie in their graves.

But, if you've ever felt any of these ways, there's hope. There are ways to fight for that control and not give into the addiction of that high when you feel you think you can take anything 'cause you're obviously so strong and pain no longer means anything to you. There's a way to feel free and nevermind those "battle" scars that others will never understand. You don't have to cause any more damage or bring harm to yourself that's gotta be covered up. I know we've all different reasons that take us there, but know...

You are
strong, brave. You're not unlovable. You're givin' your all to be the best you that you can be. You're not alone. I get you, I understand.

We must address this to correct this. No, I'm not an expert. While I ain't hear to preach, I will share that my God is Amazin' at bringin' Peace to one's heart & soul. No matter how you believe, we all know that this struggle crushes and tears at the most fragile of us in the darkest of times. While the temptation may come every once in a while to get the sharps out, I've been relieved of the pressure to do so, thankfully, and I can turn off those thoughts now. This comes from a combination of therapies I delight in that are, mostly, free. There's so much one can delve into with interests and hobbies, travels, meditations and prayer, music, exercise, etc. The biggest thing is to not have an idle mind. The hope is that we all can have or make a way for ourself to gain counsel. There are medicines one may need to take for certain chemical imbalances, or the natural homeopathy of herbs and spices may be more your cup of tea. Whatever you decide to do for yourselves, I'll not mind bein' a listenin' ear and will always have y'all readers in my prayers. I want to encourage you to breathe. Exhale as you release those negatives, those fears, those pains, those anxieties, those stressors. Think before you act. It can be simpler than we tend to lose sight of.

So, to bring somethin' to mind, before I get this uncomfortable topic ended, here's a link to a resource I found to be a highlight of my sobriety to this wretched curse of a state of mind. Amongst the crisis lines available for all of us, here's a great website for a non-profit, "To Write Love on Her Arms", that can be beneficial for so many of us and our friends & families.
Please click here to learn more 'bout "cutting". You may receive help, or help others in doin' so.

Also, I'm goin' to include 2 songs.
The 1st is 'bout findin' relief in the cut, but then only havin' had "found" it was helped. There was cuttin', there's no cuttin'. This song isn't intended to trigger, but to hope you can relate and understand that it can end. Click here for song #1.
The 2nd is 'bout exhalin' those anxieties and stressors that push us closer to the edge.Click here for song #2. 

Remember, there's always grace in the midst of our mess. Please, consider yourself. You are worthy of the greatest love. There is joy amidst sorrow.

Blessings over you in these moments. In times like these, seek His face and you'll find His grace.

*In no way am I responsible of any irresponsible use of this information that could lead to any decision to do unlike what this post represents, which is the opposite of destructiveness to oneself.

Copyright October 24, 2018 owned by C.L. Chapps

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