So, I'm at a point where it seems everythin' in my life is spiralin' outta control. I feel as though I'm wagin' the biggest war of my lifetime. I've been taught that in these moments that come to us in life, and they will for everyone, that there's One who can calm our storms. If you're like me, there are many times in which I feel as Job must've - like, I'm cryin' out into the wilderness, screamin' for someone to hear me and lend me a hand, wonderin' why these negative things keep happenin' to me. Then, I remember that in spite of all the good I feel like I'm doin' and when I feel exhausted from givin' all that I've got, there's always gonna be somethin' goin' wrong when I'm doin' my best to do right.
This world seems to beat the mess outta this selfless gal and it doesn't feel good, at all. I've got a determination, though, that's bigger than anythin' that tries to come against me. I won't let the feelings and thoughts that come to me durin' these bad times control my mind or my heart. There's gotta be a turnin' point where we reverse from that which could come from us in attackin' back and instead, livin' to embrace whatever it is and make the best of it, lovin' in spite of.
I've been goin' through a very tough time these days. It doesn't help that I've felt betrayed by those closest to me. This has pained me to no end, as I feel my heart will always long for that which will never be, where they are concerned. Have you been here, too? What do we do? We could hate, or we could love despite the issues. We can still try to understand that there's joy somewhere in the frustrating mess. But, we must be careful and on guard.
I believe that there's a reason for everything, so I also must believe that in such darkness the light will eventually shine. A way will be made for me to overcome and get through, whether I'm trudgin' or runnin' full speed. Somehow, I can make it. None of these things that come my way, against me, can truly harm me...I won't let it. I've gotta gird myself with strength for the battles that wage and fight my best fight, knowin' that I've won in some capacity, no matter the outcome.
When it seems my ship's tossed 'bout in a storm, I'll resign to just droppin' my anchor and pray for the peace to calm the problematic winds and emotional waves tryin' to come at me. Things may break loose, the sails may tear and floods nearly drown me..but, it will pass and the dark skies will clear. Somewhere there will be a rainbow, a promise that I'll undergo that trial no more.
But, there will be others. Those times when it seems everyone and their brother and cousins are against me, I'll remember that there is a love to believe in that's surroundin' me, greater than no other. I'm not alone. I may not have much of a support system of friends and/or family close by to rely on, unfortunately, but in my loneliest times I have to understand that God is still with me to bring me through these rough patches.
I'm havin' trouble with the realization of how my hopes for my life don't seem as though they'll ever come to fruition. The dreams I had for myself have all been put on the backburner. In spite of grumblin' and feelin' so depraved, I've gotta understand that I am where I'm supposed to be, doin' what I'm supposed to. There's some sort of purpose for this direction planned out for me.
It's hard when I feel my faith needs restoration when the lack of love in my life yells that I'm seen as unworthy of such. It makes the future seem impossible to reach, that everything seen for myself is impossible..but, it's not. No matter the heartache and the tears I cry, there is a peace to be found. I must continue searchin'. I know unrest. I know worry.
Tomorrow I undergo my 31st medical procedure. It's somethin' I've pushed as far back as possible due to phobias from my last surgery, the most major of all. I can't go any longer without treatment, so I'm tryin' to do what's necessary now, though it's hard. There will be biopsies taken and I'm apprehensive as to what the results may show. I know that not only the outcome, but I, am in His hands. I must trust, have faith, hope, and believe.
I do hope y'all try to make your way through the struggles that come to you. I pray they pass you by unscathed. Whenever you face the tryin' times that you're not sure you can keep pushin' through, remember there's a reward waitin' for you on the other side. Stay meek. May your words flow forth like honey from your mouth. Rest and know that He's got this for you. Relinquish it all..just let it go. Live in the moment and allow yourself the vulnerabilities to cry and process what's happenin'. Be thoughtful in what you do. You've got the ability to dismantle any harmful thing that tries to beat you down.
Blessings over the storms that try smotherin' your souls.
Click here for a song that may revive your inner strength to keep pressin' on. I hope it blesses you, wherever you are on your life's path.
P.S. - please pray for me, as I pray for all of you.
Copyright October 30, 2018 owned by C.L. Chapps