My Language to Yours

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Torn Sails

So, I'm at a point where it seems everythin' in my life is spiralin' outta control. I feel as though I'm wagin' the biggest war of my lifetime. I've been taught that in these moments that come to us in life, and they will for everyone, that there's One who can calm our storms. If you're like me, there are many times in which I feel as Job must've - like, I'm cryin' out into the wilderness, screamin' for someone to hear me and lend me a hand, wonderin' why these negative things keep happenin' to me. Then, I remember that in spite of all the good I feel like I'm doin' and when I feel exhausted from givin' all that I've got, there's always gonna be somethin' goin' wrong when I'm doin' my best to do right.

This world seems to beat the mess outta this selfless gal and it doesn't feel good, at all. I've got a determination, though, that's bigger than anythin' that tries to come against me. I won't let the feelings and thoughts that come to me durin' these bad times control my mind or my heart. There's gotta be a turnin' point where we reverse from that which could come from us in attackin' back and instead, livin' to embrace whatever it is and make the best of it, lovin' in spite of.

I've been goin' through a very tough time these days. It doesn't help that I've felt betrayed by those closest to me. This has pained me to no end, as I feel my heart will always long for that which will never be, where they are concerned. Have you been here, too? What do we do? We could hate, or we could love despite the issues. We can still try to understand that there's joy somewhere in the frustrating mess. But, we must be careful and on guard.

I believe that there's a reason for everything, so I also must believe that in such darkness the light will eventually shine. A way will be made for me to overcome and get through, whether I'm trudgin' or runnin' full speed. Somehow, I can make it. None of these things that come my way, against me, can truly harm me...I won't let it. I've gotta gird myself with strength for the battles that wage and fight my best fight, knowin' that I've won in some capacity, no matter the outcome.

When it seems my ship's tossed 'bout in a storm, I'll resign to just droppin' my anchor and pray for the peace to calm the problematic winds and emotional waves tryin' to come at me. Things may break loose, the sails may tear and floods nearly drown me..but, it will pass and the dark skies will clear. Somewhere there will be a rainbow, a promise that I'll undergo that trial no more.

But, there will be others. Those times when it seems everyone and their brother and cousins are against me, I'll remember that there is a love to believe in that's surroundin' me, greater than no other. I'm not alone. I may not have much of a support system of friends and/or family close by to rely on, unfortunately, but in my loneliest times I have to understand that God is still with me to bring me through these rough patches.

I'm havin' trouble with the realization of how my hopes for my life don't seem as though they'll ever come to fruition. The dreams I had for myself have all been put on the backburner. In spite of grumblin' and feelin' so depraved, I've gotta understand that I am where I'm supposed to be, doin' what I'm supposed to. There's some sort of purpose for this direction planned out for me.

It's hard when I feel my faith needs restoration when the lack of love in my life yells that I'm seen as unworthy of such. It makes the future seem impossible to reach, that everything seen for myself is impossible..but, it's not. No matter the heartache and the tears I cry, there is a peace to be found. I must continue searchin'. I know unrest. I know worry.

Tomorrow I undergo my 31st medical procedure. It's somethin' I've pushed as far back as possible due to phobias from my last surgery, the most major of all. I can't go any longer without treatment, so I'm tryin' to do what's necessary now, though it's hard. There will be biopsies taken and I'm apprehensive as to what the results may show. I know that not only the outcome, but I, am in His hands. I must trust, have faith, hope, and believe.

I do hope y'all try to make your way through the struggles that come to you. I pray they pass you by unscathed. Whenever you face the tryin' times that you're not sure you can keep pushin' through, remember there's a reward waitin' for you on the other side. Stay meek. May your words flow forth like honey from your mouth. Rest and know that He's got this for you. Relinquish it all..just let it go. Live in the moment and allow yourself the vulnerabilities to cry and process what's happenin'. Be thoughtful in what you do. You've got the ability to dismantle any harmful thing that tries to beat you down.

Blessings over the storms that try smotherin' your souls.

Click here for a song that may revive your inner strength to keep pressin' on. I hope it blesses you, wherever you are on your life's path.

P.S. - please pray for me, as I pray for all of you.

Copyright October 30, 2018 owned by C.L. Chapps

Saturday, October 27, 2018

Painful Haze

TRIGGER WARNING: This post revolves around the emotional and mental effects caused by sexual trauma.

The blurry images, the muffled sounds, the squealin' and squirmin', a paralysis. Flashes of this tormentin' my mind. Plaguin' me all this time. Uncertain memories. Where's the truth behind the dark walls, under the sheet? And, what's that ray of light peekin' through the door from outside, in the real world, away from this nightmarish realm where there's a thin veil between what's present and yet oh so distant?

It's odd to have these memories come and go, never allowin' a name or a face to come with them. But, they're what's deep inside me, a slideshow I've never wanted to watch, blockin' it as best I can, though they sometimes demand to be played.

I recall the boy peepin' into the daycare bathroom, tryin' to touch what's so precious I hadn't the knowledge at such an age..but I knew it was wrong. I remember the li'l girl who thought it'd be funny to pull the nappy off her brother to show me his difference. I'll never forget the feelin' from the one who wanted me to experience a tingle. And, the mysterious one who came to me in my sleep or the boy wantin' his "feel" in the dark corner of what should've been the most sacred place. I'll never shake the chills from the  bastard who tried to lay claim to my innocence, convincin' me of a "love" in the name of God, yet hidin' under the guise of a spiritual cloak that wrapped him in darkness. I don't wanna remember the disgust that drenched an old flame.

I can't keep this hazy story hidden any longer. In this day and age, there're too many daymares comin' to light, bein' shed into our nations heart, shatterin' communities, strikin' egos down, tearin' the strength of women into fragile states of disgust that hit them in the face. And, we mustn't forget the boys of men that tarnish their spirit.

What's there to do? How do we still our minds, guard our hearts from the damages wreakin' havoc from within? When will we find solace, a peace of mind that brings us to freedom?

I's different for all of us, yeah? My heart aches for us. It longs to know there's a better place of rest for our wrecked bodies, our twisted emotions, the mental dragons that creep up ever so often and play tricks.

I've no answers for the rest of you, except that I do know we've been given a strength to overcome this craziness that feeds our fears.
There's a pure water waitin' for us to quench the fire. Is the fire bright enough to burn this pain into ashes, the light in the fire able to guide us to a place of rest for our weary hearts? These years of torment are escapable. We can grow under the light, bloom despite the floods. The night will clear for us to finally see the stars, and the tide will wash away and cleanse our wounds.


Keep goin'. Ignore the ghosts. Run on 'til they stay behind you. Find your purpose..that which beats to pieces those bullies in your brain. You aren't damaged goods. You're a masterpiece of creation, every stroke tellin' your life story, 'til you're a glorious reflection of what love truly is.

You can bare and beat this.

Click here for a resource that may help you if you've been assaulted or are a family member of someone who has.

Here's a song for ya by the Indigo Girls.

Also, if you're of the foolish nature to have breached another's flesh, you best reckon ya better seek forgiveness with the One who holds your soul in His hands.

*In no way am I responsible of any irresponsible use of this information that could lead to any decision to do unlike what this post represents, which is the opposite of destructiveness to oneself or others.

Copyright October 27, 2018 by C.L. Chapps

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

When I Was Cut

TRIGGER WARNING: This post revolves around the mental health topic of self-harm/suicide contemplation.

O, how do I begin this?
I've struggled while sufferin' as, what the pysch world labels, bein' "a cutter". Though, throughout my lifetime, I've only had between few and several, perhaps a handful, of horrid moments caught in the throws of such a devastation which caused me to lose myself in a melodramatic mess of madness. I cannot deny the awful events took place.

After years of evaluations, it finally clicked that someone related my issues to a childhood experience which my then li'l mind  couldn't regulate, but that's effected me all this time.

I've a memory as a small child of climbin' up to the sink counter and grabbin' my father's razor, which of course, led to me slicin' myself and the trickles of blood, etc. I do recall that before this incident I'd become very upset and was goin' to tell him somethin' 'bout it. Apparently, in my very young mind, I reckoned that the adrenaline rush, which compensated the pain level threshold, wasn't such a bad thing to feel and that both the physical and mental aspects of this moment blended into my memory a way to relieve what, to me, was a deep anguish or sorrow.

What I couldn't reconcile back then led me into some very traumatic places as I've grown. This very well may come as a surprise to many friends and family that've seen me through my formative years. Always durin' such rock-bottom times, it's been that last resort thought. Not for attention, at all. But, in my way of everything always meanin' somethin', it's been a symbologistical(?!)kinda thing. As another "psych person" put it, as culturally influenced as I inherently am, it's likely my emotions get the best of me, inherently.

Of course, I ain't gonna blame my ancestors for my problems. No, I'm accountable and responsible for the impulsive decisions I've made in actin' or reactin' to stressors. I'm mostly sorry for whatever harm that's been inflicted onto others, as I've never wished to cause anyone the pain such as I was feelin'. BTW, never have I done so in front of anyone, and never have I revealed it purposefully. But, my struggles are real, and wearin' my heart on my sleeve as I do, such knowledge escapin' in the heat of a moment can still do as much damage as I've done myself.

I'll not go into the exact scenarios which caused these rash breakdowns, but they've all had to do with "loss", abandonment. They've all had to do with feelin' "lost" after betrayal. They've all had to do with the notion one gets in their mind of bein' at the end of the rope or spiralin' down into the depths of hell, or feelin' so suffocated there's no room to breathe through it all. I've also been influenced by certain players in my life that I'd come to have such a love for who's presence I wouldn't have known how to go on without. I don't like to say that I am "...", 'cause I was, and I ain't now. I feel like when one keeps speakin' or thinkin' that way, it keeps the mind stuck and never able to move on. To think positively for the future, we've gotta let the ghosts of the past lie in their graves.

But, if you've ever felt any of these ways, there's hope. There are ways to fight for that control and not give into the addiction of that high when you feel you think you can take anything 'cause you're obviously so strong and pain no longer means anything to you. There's a way to feel free and nevermind those "battle" scars that others will never understand. You don't have to cause any more damage or bring harm to yourself that's gotta be covered up. I know we've all different reasons that take us there, but know...

You are
strong, brave. You're not unlovable. You're givin' your all to be the best you that you can be. You're not alone. I get you, I understand.

We must address this to correct this. No, I'm not an expert. While I ain't hear to preach, I will share that my God is Amazin' at bringin' Peace to one's heart & soul. No matter how you believe, we all know that this struggle crushes and tears at the most fragile of us in the darkest of times. While the temptation may come every once in a while to get the sharps out, I've been relieved of the pressure to do so, thankfully, and I can turn off those thoughts now. This comes from a combination of therapies I delight in that are, mostly, free. There's so much one can delve into with interests and hobbies, travels, meditations and prayer, music, exercise, etc. The biggest thing is to not have an idle mind. The hope is that we all can have or make a way for ourself to gain counsel. There are medicines one may need to take for certain chemical imbalances, or the natural homeopathy of herbs and spices may be more your cup of tea. Whatever you decide to do for yourselves, I'll not mind bein' a listenin' ear and will always have y'all readers in my prayers. I want to encourage you to breathe. Exhale as you release those negatives, those fears, those pains, those anxieties, those stressors. Think before you act. It can be simpler than we tend to lose sight of.

So, to bring somethin' to mind, before I get this uncomfortable topic ended, here's a link to a resource I found to be a highlight of my sobriety to this wretched curse of a state of mind. Amongst the crisis lines available for all of us, here's a great website for a non-profit, "To Write Love on Her Arms", that can be beneficial for so many of us and our friends & families.
Please click here to learn more 'bout "cutting". You may receive help, or help others in doin' so.

Also, I'm goin' to include 2 songs.
The 1st is 'bout findin' relief in the cut, but then only havin' had "found" it was helped. There was cuttin', there's no cuttin'. This song isn't intended to trigger, but to hope you can relate and understand that it can end. Click here for song #1.
The 2nd is 'bout exhalin' those anxieties and stressors that push us closer to the edge.Click here for song #2. 

Remember, there's always grace in the midst of our mess. Please, consider yourself. You are worthy of the greatest love. There is joy amidst sorrow.

Blessings over you in these moments. In times like these, seek His face and you'll find His grace.

*In no way am I responsible of any irresponsible use of this information that could lead to any decision to do unlike what this post represents, which is the opposite of destructiveness to oneself.

Copyright October 24, 2018 owned by C.L. Chapps

Quick Note

Just wanted to let y'all know that I think I've fixed/updated my Blogger profile to allow y'all without Google+ to leave commentary. So, all my viewers from Belgium, Canada, China, France, Germany, India, Japan, Phillipines, the USA, and South Korea THANK YOU for readin', feel free to pass it on, and know the floor's open for y'all to chat, as well. I'm crossin' my fingers hoping this works. If you'd like to backtrack or start from this point on, I'd appreciate knowin' what y'all think or feel. Thanks in advance, again.

Please enjoy this cute li'l song as we begin gettin' to know one another through 2 of the greatest forms of expression - writin' and music.

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

Grace from Mess

Well, y'all, I've been a mess and made messes throughout my lifetime, thus far. I dunno 'bout y'all, but I just can't seem to go through anything that comes my way without bummin' up somethin', some aspect or even dealings with others involved. This started at a very young age.

My Mum's pictures of me in my high chair with bowls of spaghetti on my head, the sauce smeared all over my cheeks that're just a smilin', as I'd giggle. They're in her blackmail stash, and believe me, she's used them once or twice. She or my father could've put a spankin' on me, of course, but there was a grace in their handlin' of me as they realized I hadn't the cognizance to understand the consequences of my action. Could this be that the grace said over our meal had saved this precious gal from offense?

In a way, isn't life like this? Somehow, somewhere, some way there's a grace, a sliver of release from the tedious tasks, the never-anything-goin'-right moments, the screw ups we've made or been sucked into. Those why me moments still have a light shed on them that allows a spark of life to strike us when we're layin' in the mire of our messes.

Sometimes, we can't help becomin' a mess. A recent event I and N.D.(my husband)have gone through was out of our control, but boy did it get us messy! Y'all, we were to attend a very special military event in our best dress, to be honored as the strong couple we are to have accomplished this segment of his career  in support of one another. I'd gone out and found THE best ball gown in our town.

Now, N.D. made the trek home after a round of 24 hour duty. This took almost 5 hours due to some nasty weather, ferry hold ups, and bridge closures. If anything could go wrong in this hectic house full of wild boys (their friends, too), it sure was seemin' like the devil was on our heels. At any rate, my lovely and very talented daughter took the time(nearly 2 hours)to make sure that my makeup was spot "en flique"(what in the world?!). While my N.D. was in awe of the sight of me in the dress he'd not seen a glimpse of yet, we're all 3 tryin' to stuff me into the lace up bodice. Then comes the Southern Belle hoop(yes like they wore in the Confederate days).

Well, this was after tryin' to not mess up my wavy hair that I and N.D. had straightened to curl, which we rushed to do 3 hours worth in one and a half. As I'm steppin' into this, N.D. notices a curl out of place and pulls to brush it completely straight again(if y'all knew how thick and heavy my hair is, you'd understand). Well, we had to make it all look the same, so we're over our time we should've been leavin'.

Our daughter wanted pictures outside, but N.D is havin' to referee the craziness of our boys, and I'm havin' to bend down for her to fit me in the camera, while it's startin' to drizzle and stick to my glasses with a foggy mist(it was quite chilly). By the time we fit into N.D.'s truck, my wrap was clingin' to me like saran. The more I moved, it's fragility began to shred. What should've been a nearly 2 hour drive took almost 4 hours as we went through torrential to more torrential and most torrential downpours while creepin' 'round mountainous hills.

Y'all, we finally arrived to this huge farmland with a tiny tent set up in the middle of crops on a lane just big enough for the plow to get through. There's no way we're wantin' to get outta this truck and step down to slosh in the muddy and soggy grass, but N.D. had to show face and make an appearance, me by his side. Thank goodness I wore my bejeweled high-wedges under my 4x skirted gown, 'cause when my feet hit the ground, I felt cold gook up to my ankles. The umbrella N.D. held over me did nothin' to shield me against sideways rain as big as dimes. It was a painful bout of water spillin' off the top onto me while the wind blew the thang nearly inside out. We sought shelter under a huge oak, scopin' out the situation.

It was ridiculous, yall. There's a piece of plywood put down over a sink hole full of sludge that I was expected to walk on as we entered the tent. What happens? I slip on the slope goin' down into this tent that sits, finally, on even ground that is now havin' streams run through it 'cause of a dude that's usin' a pole to lift the edges of the tent for the water 'bout to collapse it. There's no place to sit that ain't gonna be like wadin' into a beach and the only people there are the smashed guys who don't care and a few miserable wives who weren't dressed anything like me. You can imagine that I soon became the talk of this podunk shindig - either them bein' snotty 'that I was a better fit than they at an event such as this, or the dudes remarkin' on how I outclassed my N.D.

Thankfully, the master of ceremonies gracefully relieved us within a few minutes of bein' there, after handin' out our "specials". We were to make our way out of this place and go where now? All of the day's hard work in sprucin' up for this event to have it wasted. Y'all, I stood there feelin' so defeated that everything we were to stand for became ruined. There I was, upset that MY night to shine as his biggest supporter, the reason for this honorable promotion, was over within 5 minutes. There was no fancy coursed dinner, no dancin', no awards, no minglin' with the new "club". I looked like a wet Cocker-Spaniel, slippery from melted lotion, in a dress weighin' me as down as I felt inside.

But, N.D. whispers in my ear in his way that reminds me we have the entire night to spend alone together, have a date, and make it the best. I knew there was somethin' good gonna come outta that rinky-dink li'l prayer I'd made as I was still tryin' to be thankful for such a time.

So, though I slipped again on that stupid no-good board, I slid off my wedges, lifted the bundle of gown into my arms, and left his umbrella to dance in the rain, gigglin' away while the guys(knowin' I'm from the South)were sayin' it's no biggie 'cause I'm used to the swamps. Somehow, I didn't give a hoot 'bout the eyes all over me. I came to enjoy myself. It turned out miserable, but I was relishin' in the fact that God's grace in His havin' a reason for everythin' allowed me to still be joyous. I let all my frustration be washed away in that li'l bit of time releasin' negative thoughts that could've had me stuck in a pitiful funk as I questioned how come things never go the way I hope for. And, just as we're on our way to a hotel for OUR time, the sun shone, along with a rainbow. There's the promise that grace will be given and reign over our darkest times.

I do believe that grace allows us to make the best of things that seem to have our life in such shambles. When we feel we've done our best and nothin's pannin' out, that we're failures or somethin's failed us, durin' those times, we must try our best to remember the sun will burst outta those clouds when it all seems life's pourin' down on us as we go through our trials. Then we can lift up our head, our hands, and kick up our heels, feelin' the rhythm of the rain and flowin' with it, instead.

I encourage y'all to feel a grace in your today..whether it be hectic, crazy, have you thinkin' you're not good enough. Stop, think, relax, breathe, and rest in knowin' that grace has you. Nothin' can defeat you with grace. Be graceful, search for what's graceful. Whether you say "grace", it's always there to grab and cling to when life seems ridiculously all too much. Remember, when ya feel that rain, just dance.

Grace be with y'all through your life journeys.

Please enjoy this take on one of my fave songs, and I hope ya like the movie references, too!

Copyright October 23, 2018 owned by C.L.Chapps

Monday, October 22, 2018

Stair Climbers

Hey, y'all!

Before I begin this post, I'd like to thank all my family and friends who've encouraged me through the years to express myself in writings. Most specifically my cousin, Jay Cool, who's own blogs I've shared with y'all under my faves. Please, check hers out, as well. I'd also like to acknowledge my sister, who gifted me my first books on poetry, to encourage the li'l sis she hoped to see flourish. Among our downs, she always pushed me to reach for more, which leads me into another story 'bout my childhood.

This story involves a bright-eyed tot, and a staircase. Yep, that's me. I was a very active child, and caused my Mum, some toughies. I think I recall, as she'd bring this story up over the years, that I'd give her those mini heart attacks that one may get from a near fall down some stairs. But, I was goin' up. I'd disappear from her sight and she'd find me toddlin' up the steps while she'd try her best to coax me down or freeze as to not frighten me to fallin'. But, despite my clumsy self, I'd get up enough as I was willin' to dare, turn 'round, and just a get to gigglin'.

There ain't much more to that li'l story. Though, I've always tried figurin' out why I'd do so. Perhaps, I wasn't afraid 'cause I'd not the mind to think of what could be forthcomin' if I did take a spill. But, my Mum knew and, like always, has tried to spare me from any potential harm done to me. All I know is that I've always had such a curious mind. What I was searchin' to find, I dunno. My li'l ADHD self could've just gotten bored and decided to go get somethin' new to entertain me. Somethin' I've also come to realize after hearin' an Appalachian folksong for kids, that I'll be sharin' a link to for y'all, is that I may just have been tryin' to find the light of Jesus I'd heard 'bout(Christianity abounded 'round me).

The reason this matters, is that it causes me to ponder why there aren't many of us, or maybe there are more than seems, who set out on an expedition to fill our soul with a brighter love than this plainly dark world forbids. How can we gather and gird ourselves for the struggle 'til we reach the top and can smile at our accomplishments? How long will it take? That is of no consequence when there's a quest to be and give the best of ourselves to this world, to realize that no matter our troubles, we can overcome obstacles. And, we can help nudge others to strive for their highest potential.

All it takes is just one, single step. Where will your feet plant and guide you today? What will your arms reach for, to cling steadfast and confident? I encourage you to look up. There's no time for spiralin' down into the pit. We must keep movin' along, for life goes on. I wish y'all the best as ya reach for your stars!

Please click here to enjoy this li'l old time Southern tune.

Copyright owned October 22, 2018 by C.L. Chapps

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

Toddler Trikin'

One of the best memories I have of my toddler times in England was of Carlita and her trike. She seemed to love the freedom she had pedalin' that thing 'round. It made me excited, it was contagious.

I wanted to feel it, too. I dunno if she decided I could step onto the back bar that set between the trainin' wheels, or felt forced to share, but I'll never forget the 1st time I held onto her while she gave me a tour of our world I'd never seen in such a way. It's a feelin' I have to this day, to long for my estranged sister, to feel confident in her love and protection for me. Despite growin' to understand that the same li'l girl who found namin' me so important would soon detest my presence in her life, through the years we shared several moments of the like. Yet, through the distance over time, I've clinged to a notion that she'll never realize how special her acknowledgement of me truly is.

It's a sad thing, yet I find joy amidst the sorrow, just as I did so long ago. See, she'd get to whippin' that thing 'round 'til I'd fall either on my bum or to the side and catch myself on my hands. I could've whined or cried 'bout it, and I recall a tear or two, but I had a resilience to get up and dust myself off to try it again. Perhaps I was just as stubborn as she, to show her somethin' of my gumption.

But, at least I had the gumption. It's very important for us in life, to fight back against that which tries to knock us down for good. We could mumble and grumble while victimizin' ourselves, or we can stop and think of what can come of us completin' whatever the mission, the goal is that we set out to achieve.

How can I take such a minute moment in my life as a tot to meanin' somethin' so much more? I choose to always see the positive in everything. I could use such a moment in my memory to churn it's way into a grievance upon my sister, or realize it was nothin' intended and it didn't get the best of me. This can then be applied to life itself. Those moments of closeness I felt with my sister, the wind blowin' my toe-head locks as I felt the warm sunshine on my cheeks (which only seemed to come out from those dreary clouds when I was present, lol) meant more than the whoopsy-daisy that was just par for the course. There was a joy to find and feel in overcomin' the trip that could've had me runnin' to my Mum never to hop on that trike again. It was almost the reverse, that knowin' if I did it once, wouldn't it be even better the next time? After all, it was time with my biggest influence..the older sister that I'm too stubborn these days to lose.

Somehow there's a joyous occasion waitin' at the end of every pitfall, literal rock bottom. There can be no stop on this life, no stayin' stuck in a mire, as life goes on, moves right along without us playin' out our dreams, our thrills, our freedom. 

I'd like to encourage y'all to feel a moment today that won't allow the rest of the days bummers to rule over an enjoyment you can take or make the time to relish in.


Please, click here to enjoy this song that reminds me of my sister and me, as we'd always harmonize together.

Copyright October 17, 2018 by C.L. Chapps

Saturday, October 13, 2018

Carolina Lily's Beginnin'

It was a usual, dreary English mornin' when this light red-hair, blue-green eyes baby girl was born. I've grown to be a misplaced Carolina country gal from the South with a fancy for lilies, and they also represent a place amidst my life's beginnin', as my birth flower.

My father is a tough North Carolina country boy, Air Force retired, known as A.D. My mother, nicknamed "Cannon" by her younger brother all those years ago, was bred from the Florida swamps and is a strong-willed woman.

It's been said many times that, as they placed me in my Daddy's arms, the sun was told to shine that very instant.

I also grew to learn that my whiz of an older sister, "Carlita", chose to have me named 'CarrieLee', though on my birth certificate, it's separated into my first and middle names. The spiritual meanin' that my name represents is "Song of Joy". 

Just as that mishap came to be, the mess-ups inherently have become like the rest of many happenings in my life thus far. In fact, I sit here plagued by the haunts of flashbacks up 'til the present moment, ponderin' for the umpteenth time, "Why'd this happen to me? Why is it always somethin'? Why can't I hear my Song? Where'd my Joy go?". For years I've been lost somewhere within this cocoon holdin' hosts of mysteries unbearable to even search to uncover..the layers corrodin' my spirit. Givin' all of myself away and losin' pieces throughout my life's drudgery has led me to the point of no return, yet I must fight to survive the fates arranged for me, to renew my sense of self and be..just be - more thank okay, and rather Joyous, like a butterfly breakin' out of the darkness to flutter into wherever the wind blows. I will find and follow MY Song.

This outlet has awaited me since the moment I lay my pen down oh so long ago. It's here, once again, that I'll try to express my view of this surroundin' expanse of bustlin' life and times that consume me. I invite you to come along. You don't have to, and may choose not to. I'd appreciate respect throughout my journey, so I ask you to keep any commentary on the positive note - this is just a li'l space I hope to make for freedom towards peace of mind. Perhaps, whatever there is to glean on the way, will somehow be a blessin' to us all. So, come, let's move right along as this Carolina Lily blooms throughout a chrysalis moment.

Please, enjoy this classical song, so conveniently named.

Copyright owned October 13, 2018 by C.L. Chapps